Leaping Off A Cliff Is Scary As Crap!
I'm sitting here this morning, thinking about all the ways that my life has changed over the last 10 years. If you had asked me then what I would think about all this, I probably would have laughed. Everything I never knew I always wanted... but was I brave enough to take the leap?
So many of my clients come to me asking for help because they are unhappy with their relationship in some form or another. And ten years ago that was me. I was staring down the barrel of over a decade of a marriage that made me want to figuratively (and some days literally) hang myself. Don't get me wrong, my ex husband isn't a bad guy... he just wasn't what was right for me. And now that we are divorced it is so much more of a healthy relationship for us.
The biggest issue that faced me (and faces a lot of you guys too I imagine) is that fear of being alone. You want so much to connect to another person, to be loved, that you are willing to settle for something that doesn't inspire you. I had gotten out of a really toxic relationship (the guy went to prison) when I met my ex husband, and he was sweet and caring, and funny as hell. For me, and my damaged self it was like he was this prince riding in on a white horse to save me from the misery that had been my life. We spent a great deal of time together, and within 3 months we were engaged to be married. Just a few short months later I was pregnant with our daughter. Now at this point I was living with my elderly grandmother, and he was living with his parents having just moved to the area from out of state. Plans were made for an apartment, and for a nursery for the baby - but when we married finally I was 4 months along and we had never lived together. Ok, to be honest I had never lived with a boy before that! Boys, yuck!
All joking aside, if you have never lived with another person before, and jump tight in with a new marriage, a new place to live and a baby I think you are just setting yourself up for failure. I know there are people out there that are going "Oh, god - live together in sin? The horror!". By the end of that first year I was so miserable and we were so out of sync. Had we just been living together, and NOT pregnant, we likely would have called it quits right then and there. But I am a stubborn girl, and I certainly didn't want to admit that I might be wrong. So I hung in there, mostly for my daughter. I endured his family looking down their noses at me because I wasn't a good Catholic wife, endless fights over money/sex/everything, and worsening depression. Looking back though, I can see that the worst damage was to my daughter. I stayed for her, so that she would live in a home with two parents, not realizing that I was doing more harm then good.
Fast forward to 2009. I was angry and sad all the time, and the stress was bleeding into all of my everyday activities. I had started working at Home Depot and that is where I met my current husband. Despite an instant connection, we worked really hard to do things the right way. I got divorced, moved into my own house, and simply dated. Then later we moved in together, and stayed that way for over a year. During that time we got to know each other, the kids, and what life together would be like. One day we simply looked at each other and decided that we couldn't stand one more day of not being a family and got married by a justice of the peace on our lunch break from work!
Women always ask me about what they can do to speed things along - why? Why is it so important that we hurry through life instead of taking the time to do it right? Why are we so desperate to be with someone, anyone, that we are willing to settle instead of waiting? I am a big believer now in the process. If it isn't happening the exact speed or way that you envisioned, that doesn't mean that it isn't right. The universe guides you where it wants you to go - when you need to be there. It's like leaping off a cliff - you need to trust that the universe will be there to catch you. Here are 5 things you can do to help you in the right direction:
What sort of things scare you? Why haven't you made the leap towards happiness yet? Tell me in the comments below. Still not sure who you are? I can help with that too....
The biggest issue that faced me (and faces a lot of you guys too I imagine) is that fear of being alone. You want so much to connect to another person, to be loved, that you are willing to settle for something that doesn't inspire you. I had gotten out of a really toxic relationship (the guy went to prison) when I met my ex husband, and he was sweet and caring, and funny as hell. For me, and my damaged self it was like he was this prince riding in on a white horse to save me from the misery that had been my life. We spent a great deal of time together, and within 3 months we were engaged to be married. Just a few short months later I was pregnant with our daughter. Now at this point I was living with my elderly grandmother, and he was living with his parents having just moved to the area from out of state. Plans were made for an apartment, and for a nursery for the baby - but when we married finally I was 4 months along and we had never lived together. Ok, to be honest I had never lived with a boy before that! Boys, yuck!
All joking aside, if you have never lived with another person before, and jump tight in with a new marriage, a new place to live and a baby I think you are just setting yourself up for failure. I know there are people out there that are going "Oh, god - live together in sin? The horror!". By the end of that first year I was so miserable and we were so out of sync. Had we just been living together, and NOT pregnant, we likely would have called it quits right then and there. But I am a stubborn girl, and I certainly didn't want to admit that I might be wrong. So I hung in there, mostly for my daughter. I endured his family looking down their noses at me because I wasn't a good Catholic wife, endless fights over money/sex/everything, and worsening depression. Looking back though, I can see that the worst damage was to my daughter. I stayed for her, so that she would live in a home with two parents, not realizing that I was doing more harm then good.
Fast forward to 2009. I was angry and sad all the time, and the stress was bleeding into all of my everyday activities. I had started working at Home Depot and that is where I met my current husband. Despite an instant connection, we worked really hard to do things the right way. I got divorced, moved into my own house, and simply dated. Then later we moved in together, and stayed that way for over a year. During that time we got to know each other, the kids, and what life together would be like. One day we simply looked at each other and decided that we couldn't stand one more day of not being a family and got married by a justice of the peace on our lunch break from work!
Women always ask me about what they can do to speed things along - why? Why is it so important that we hurry through life instead of taking the time to do it right? Why are we so desperate to be with someone, anyone, that we are willing to settle instead of waiting? I am a big believer now in the process. If it isn't happening the exact speed or way that you envisioned, that doesn't mean that it isn't right. The universe guides you where it wants you to go - when you need to be there. It's like leaping off a cliff - you need to trust that the universe will be there to catch you. Here are 5 things you can do to help you in the right direction:
- Have a basic plan. That means having a plan for a roof over your head, food on the table and money to live on... but don't over plan.
- Go with the flow. Take your basic plan, and wing the rest. It's ok to not know who you are right now. Sure, maybe you want to be wealthy, but if you over analyze and over plan how to get there all you are doing is causing yourself needless stress.
- Know when to admit defeat. No one is perfect at things the first time (unless you are some crazy freak of nature!) so know that is ok to fail. I once thought I wanted to go into law enforcement - but when I actually started pursuing it, I realized that I wasn't truly happy - and that I was doing it because it was what was expected of me. Failure is ok, just remember to pick yourself up and try something new.
- Never say never. When I was suffering through my marriage I swore to myself that I was never going to let someone get close enough to me to hurt me the way I was hurting. I swore I would never get married again, that I would never have more children.... and that I would be happy with that. HA! What a load of bull. The universe had better ideas, and by saying never, I was denying myself happiness. When I let go and opened myself up to the possibility then things started to fall into place.
- Get in tune with yourself. This is the most important one. You have to know what makes YOU happy. Think about that for a bit. Filter out everything that your friends, family, parents, etc... say that you should want and feel. Listen to your inner voice. If you allow her to speak I think you'll find that she has your best interests at heart!
What sort of things scare you? Why haven't you made the leap towards happiness yet? Tell me in the comments below. Still not sure who you are? I can help with that too....