Reflection - Where I Could Have Been

This past week I was asked to do a speech for my Public Speaking class, with a topic that was emotionally charged. Tarot for me has been a real life saver, and I would like to share my story with you. Please be warned there are sensitive topics inside that may be uncomfortable for some readers.

My childhood started out normal, much like everyone else. My single mother was doing her best, but I know that she wanted more. So we were all happy for her when she met a man that appeared to make her happier. They were married and he adopted me when I was 11. Looking back there are so many things that should have made me wary, but let's face it I was 11 years old.

This man took advantage of the fact that my mom worked hard (and trust me I don't blame her for the things that happened) and began to molest me. I would wake up to find him in my room touching himself and it progressed from there. I will spare you the details, but it was horrific and degrading. He was good at hiding it from my mom, and as I got older he systematically convinced my mom that I was a troubled kid who was a liar. Looking back, he was laying the foundation to make it so if I was brave enough to tell her that there was a good chance she wouldn't believe me....

Broken down and damaged I felt that I was not worth anything, and that my family would be better off with out me. So at age 15 I attempted suicide. It was a cry for help that went unanswered. Convincing people that I was simply being dramatic to get attention this man mocked me in private about how I couldn't even do that right. The abuse stepped up and became more frequent and aggressive. I fell deeper and deeper into depression, and at 16 I again attempted suicide. My friends by now had realized that something was seriously wrong, and convinced me to come forward. After an initial period of disbelief my mom held my hand as we walked into the police station. I still ended up moving out and in with my grandmother, but it was a slow process.

It was during a hospitalization and therapy that I was introduced with tarot. I was super lucky that the team I worked with was so amazing about finding that thing that resonated with us. There was something so empowering about the tarot and it's messages. I used it as a healing tool over the following years. Although this deck is a recently released one, it is my favorite example of the power of a tarot card.

This is the Star card from the Animal Totem Tarot. It features an oyster showing it's glossy pearl under the beam of a light house. The oyster is this amazingly resiliant creature. A pearl is not the thing of beauty we think it is - it is an irritation to the oyster. A grain of sand gets into the oyster and it can't get it out. It irritates and digs at the heart of the creature. But does it just give up and die? No! It takes that grain of sand and works on it over YEARS until it is a pearl. Freshwater pearls can take up to 6 years and a saltwater pearl can take up to 20! In addition the lighthouse stands as a beacon of hope, reminding those trapped in the dark that they are not alone. I took the "sand" that was thrown at me through my abuse and instead of giving up (again) I am choosing to take that experience to create things of beauty and help guide my fellow travelers through life.  Have you ever had a card just resonate with you like this? It's a heady and powerful thing... making you feel connected to something so much bigger then yourself.

If you know who Wentworth Miller is you may have seen his Facebook posts in April. This actor, best known for his role on Prison Break, has been out of the public eye for a little while. In that time he battled depression and gained some weight. Naturally the paparazzi had a field day with him, posting unflattering pictures and mocking him. Now he could have ignored it... but instead he chose to take the opportunity to reach out to his fans and share his journey. Every day he posted an inspiring tidbit regarding self care. It was amazing! Self care daily with tarot is easy to do - simply draw a card every morning as your guidance for the day. Do you practice a self care ritual? Tell us about it in the comments.